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Soul-Hunger

From Atheist to Admirer: From Hate to Love

I esteem God's Word more than my necessary food... Job 23:12

       I grew up in a broken home, but who didn't?  A rare few for sure.   My mom and dad lived together as a married couple.  I am thankful for that blessing, even if at times I couldn't appreciate it back then.  They lived together and loved each other the best that they knew how.  They quarreled and had disagreements but my biggest hurt in those early years was not that they quarreled or disagreed but it was the torn page of their disunity when it came to God; how His love was displayed by the relationship that they portrayed to us as children...to me.

     

         My mom was a secular woman.  She had knowledge of God but chose to embrace the world; my dad was Christian; He knew God, and loved God. He wasn't perfect but was living  Christ by the light that was shining upon him.  As one can guess, their aspirations for us were colored through the lenses of their world view...their value systems.  My mom was the aristocrat. She was well bred, educated, and creative. She taught us home industry and how to pursue and achieve our multiple ambitions.  Dad taught us the Bible and the importance of having a relationship with Jesus and how vital was being prepared for His second coming.  He valued honesty and taught me by his life the importance of integrity in all I do.  He taught us the importance of trade and being a peacemaker.   Both of them taught us the importance of community and being a servant to all in need. Despite this dichotomy, I trusted that they wanted the best for us.  

         Sounds great right?  Within that mix was alcohol and tobacco addiction, insecurities and trust issues, long work hours, thwarted dreams, favoritism, regrets and more that soured the home experience and blighted my belief in God.  I felt empty and longed for something better....

         As a teen, I drifted even further when the safe haven of church life became blighted as leaders lived double lives and laity followed suit. Was God really real?....

Did he care about me?  Was He just an absentee Landlord who plays with humanity as puppets on a string.  If He loved me, us...why did so many evil things happen to innocent people?  Why did my life have to be such a struggle?  Why did "Christian" adults live double lives that made me confused about the God and the contrasting Christianity revealed in the Bible.  Was God mighty to save and to transform or was this just a sad game or cruel movie?  

         One day I sat in a Metro-North train, headed to work and the futility of living in this world of vanity hit me like a brick.  I told God if He really exists, and is not an absentee Landlord, nor some fairytale then show up and prove Himself or I was going to walk away from Him for good.  The sincerity of my soul's cry... the deep hunger for His presence and love, broke through the thick layers of the heavens; defied the limitations of gravity and travelled swiftly to the Heart of God.  He heard me, a little nobody without Him, and spoke to me in an inaudible but oh so audible voice: 

"Remember the blue Holy Bible that you no longer read. Go back and read it...starting from Genesis, and I will show you myself on every page."  

         That blue Bible no longer had the covers... they were torn off from years of wear and tear.  They had long found home in the trash can and have most likely been incinerated. Who could have known they were blue and who would have known that I still had the remnants?   I was so intrigued that I obeyed the voice...I did it because I must have believed enough to be obedient to the gentle command.  

         I started from Genesis and God began to paint a His picture on my mind and I fell in love with Him...I knew him more intimately and I began to admire My Maker, My Savior and My King.  I have had tough trials, beautiful experiences; unexpected disappointments and mountain top victories...I have blundered and I have gotten up by His grace... but I never again questioned His love or intentions for me.

         I am no longer an atheist but a strong believer and admirer of a God who put all heaven at risk...all he owned at risk, and consented to die a death that could have been permanent, to save a an undeserving but extremely expensive and valuable sinner like me.  Oh how He loves you and me.  How can I remain an atheist in the face of such unbelievable love. How could I ever again doubt that God cares for me?  Guess what?  He cares for you the same...just let your soul cry out to Him and He will be right there to fulfill your most sincere need.

For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made

the righteousness of God in him.   2 Corinthians 5:21

 

 

Candlesticks

Oh that I were as in months past,

as in the days when God preserved me;  

when his candle shined upon my head,
and when by his light

I walked through darkness;  

 

Job 29: 2,3 

...For Thou wilt light my candle:

the LORD my God will enlighten my darkness."  

 

Psalm 18:28

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